Musings of a lost boy
hmmm i mentioned in my last post that I did some thinking on the bus ride home, since it was a bit serious, I decided to put it in another post... don't read this if you're just gonna pester me about it.. hehehe comment to me about it once, but that's it okay? :P btw, just for a lght start there was this nice chinese (i think) girl on the bus, she looked nice, although I think I kept on looking coz she looked liked a friend of mine from cebu.. hahaha but after a while she dind't look like her.. although every now and then when I looked she did.. hehe so weird.. anyway.. back to the musings...
wou know when there are times in your life when you really don't know what you're doing and where you're going? (hmm isn't that the midlife crisis-- but there at least something has been started) That's sort of what I felt on the ride home. Somehow lost. Lost in a world where almost everyone what they wanted, a world where people succeeded because of they willed themselves to succeed. A world where, without one's will, wihtout focus, one can easily be lost. And I feel I'm just that. I lack focus. I know what I just prioritize, I know what to focus on, but I just can't at times. I try many times to change myself, but I never am able to really do it. One time my friend who was sort of doubting himself. That he was doing a mediocre job, and that he could be replaceable, talked to me about his situation, and I told him that it doesn't matter if there were other people for the job, it was the fact that he was the one that made it so special. Of course I'd like to believe that, but, sometimes I just can't. Last night was one of those times. I give a lot of sound (and sometimes so formulaic) advice to peoply, but that night, I kept on refuting myself, doubting my own advice. I was thinking that it would be better for me to disappear from people's lives. Its not that hard really, just stop chatting for a while, stop texting, that sort of thing. I even thought about my philo class, where we discussed love as wanting to be one with another for our own perfection, which is to be one with another and God. I'll never reach that and I know I'll just pull everyone else down, so why bother? I'm just one of the "cannon fodder" in life. Those with no vision, no focus, no direction, lost, forlorn and trying to find a self that isn't really there. Who am I anyway? I don't really know... will I ever find out? that much I really doubt... Is it who I decide myself to be? maybe, but how about those who can't decide? like me? At this point in my life I was looking to my future, and to the choices that I had made in the past. I realized that mauybe math wasn't really the thing for me, although I do like that. That I do better at CS in many aspects and that I get higher grades. But it's kinda late to shift. I figured that by this point in time, although I think that, I still don't really know where I want to go and what I want to do. I just am not able to see that far into the future... I can't picture myself to be anything, and I'm kind of scared of that. I want to be able to provide for my wife and children when they come, but will be able to? At times I think that what I thinkg of is always about others, like about my wife and children, but I realize that what we discussed about self-love in philo is true: that all love that comes from man is self-love, need-love. And everything I did, it wasr eally for me. Even for wanting not to have anything to do with others because of things that I might do is not really love for them. I don't want the hassle, I want to be free of thinking of them all the time, if I had hurt them or not. But then I thought about the happy times that I spent with them, but then again I realize again that I'm being so selfish. I actually thought of a lot of things that night. I thought of going down the bus and walking aimlessly around, I thought of jumping off a building, basically suicidal things in a clear state of mind - now that's scary. Then I realized that I loved myself too much to do that, and up to now I'm still stuck with this dilemma. There are still a number of things I thought of though, and I don't quite remember them all.. these are just some of my musings.. on a bus in the dark of the night.. chilled by the aircon with everyone but me sleeping soundly, quite sure of themselves for the time being...
I'm lost, yet not... going somewhere, though I don't exactly know where.... unfocused, indecisive and weak of will... how will I ever truly be.. will I ever truly find myself, and say that I am who I really am? Will just disappear, like that night being chased away by the sun at dawn? Or will I stay, like the moon the comes and goes at it pleases, seen in the light of day, as well as the darkness of the night..
FYI I'm alright okay? no need to talk to me about this.. I'll just shrug it off, so don't even try. have a great summer everyone :D May you will find your way in this chaotic dream we call life.
hmmm i mentioned in my last post that I did some thinking on the bus ride home, since it was a bit serious, I decided to put it in another post... don't read this if you're just gonna pester me about it.. hehehe comment to me about it once, but that's it okay? :P btw, just for a lght start there was this nice chinese (i think) girl on the bus, she looked nice, although I think I kept on looking coz she looked liked a friend of mine from cebu.. hahaha but after a while she dind't look like her.. although every now and then when I looked she did.. hehe so weird.. anyway.. back to the musings...
wou know when there are times in your life when you really don't know what you're doing and where you're going? (hmm isn't that the midlife crisis-- but there at least something has been started) That's sort of what I felt on the ride home. Somehow lost. Lost in a world where almost everyone what they wanted, a world where people succeeded because of they willed themselves to succeed. A world where, without one's will, wihtout focus, one can easily be lost. And I feel I'm just that. I lack focus. I know what I just prioritize, I know what to focus on, but I just can't at times. I try many times to change myself, but I never am able to really do it. One time my friend who was sort of doubting himself. That he was doing a mediocre job, and that he could be replaceable, talked to me about his situation, and I told him that it doesn't matter if there were other people for the job, it was the fact that he was the one that made it so special. Of course I'd like to believe that, but, sometimes I just can't. Last night was one of those times. I give a lot of sound (and sometimes so formulaic) advice to peoply, but that night, I kept on refuting myself, doubting my own advice. I was thinking that it would be better for me to disappear from people's lives. Its not that hard really, just stop chatting for a while, stop texting, that sort of thing. I even thought about my philo class, where we discussed love as wanting to be one with another for our own perfection, which is to be one with another and God. I'll never reach that and I know I'll just pull everyone else down, so why bother? I'm just one of the "cannon fodder" in life. Those with no vision, no focus, no direction, lost, forlorn and trying to find a self that isn't really there. Who am I anyway? I don't really know... will I ever find out? that much I really doubt... Is it who I decide myself to be? maybe, but how about those who can't decide? like me? At this point in my life I was looking to my future, and to the choices that I had made in the past. I realized that mauybe math wasn't really the thing for me, although I do like that. That I do better at CS in many aspects and that I get higher grades. But it's kinda late to shift. I figured that by this point in time, although I think that, I still don't really know where I want to go and what I want to do. I just am not able to see that far into the future... I can't picture myself to be anything, and I'm kind of scared of that. I want to be able to provide for my wife and children when they come, but will be able to? At times I think that what I thinkg of is always about others, like about my wife and children, but I realize that what we discussed about self-love in philo is true: that all love that comes from man is self-love, need-love. And everything I did, it wasr eally for me. Even for wanting not to have anything to do with others because of things that I might do is not really love for them. I don't want the hassle, I want to be free of thinking of them all the time, if I had hurt them or not. But then I thought about the happy times that I spent with them, but then again I realize again that I'm being so selfish. I actually thought of a lot of things that night. I thought of going down the bus and walking aimlessly around, I thought of jumping off a building, basically suicidal things in a clear state of mind - now that's scary. Then I realized that I loved myself too much to do that, and up to now I'm still stuck with this dilemma. There are still a number of things I thought of though, and I don't quite remember them all.. these are just some of my musings.. on a bus in the dark of the night.. chilled by the aircon with everyone but me sleeping soundly, quite sure of themselves for the time being...
I'm lost, yet not... going somewhere, though I don't exactly know where.... unfocused, indecisive and weak of will... how will I ever truly be.. will I ever truly find myself, and say that I am who I really am? Will just disappear, like that night being chased away by the sun at dawn? Or will I stay, like the moon the comes and goes at it pleases, seen in the light of day, as well as the darkness of the night..
FYI I'm alright okay? no need to talk to me about this.. I'll just shrug it off, so don't even try. have a great summer everyone :D May you will find your way in this chaotic dream we call life.
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