Me, on Love...

All I've been posting is stuff about my day with a few random thoughts...
Let's do this a bit different... I'll be rambling from here on...

What is love anyway? Care? Doing anything for someone else? What is it? What does it entail? Well, love can be directed at many different people: A friend, an enemy, a total stranger and a lot of others. But let's focus on the thing that many people, my age or otherwise, are quite confused over. The love that seems to make us do crazy things for just one person. The love that can make you be in your highest high or lowest low in a matter of seconds with just a mere utter of 'yes' or 'no'. Yes, the love that many people try to find all their lives starting their teen years. I don't exaclty know how to term it. Romantic love? Love between a man and woman? Something like that... And an addition.. is it possible to love two people at the same time?

At any rate..

Many term love as a feeling. One that lasts longer than any mere physical attraction. Something inside of you pushing you, telling you that you like this girl, and you should go for it. But the thing is, you never really know with feelings. I mean, if you haven't exeprienced it, how do you know if it really is love? I've heard people say "You just know". And well, that could be true, but what if you think that and realize that you thought wrong? So you just go and break up? That'll hurt both of you, especially if the other is still feeling the same way. But let's not get into that. My point is, feelings are not tangible, so there's no way to actually be sure of it. It could just be infatuation or something. The feeling could've been there for a fleeting moment, but then it was gone. Is that love? Maybe, but it really won't do anything right? I think that there's more to love than just that. Love as a feeling, it just doesn't hold long enough. Will it last the rest of your lives? or will it just be a short fling, dooomed to crash down in flames? I don't think love should be like that. Love is intangible, and it should be eternal. Fine, I admit I really don't know what love is, just because that it is a feeling more than anything else, but the point I'm making is in another realm of this 'love' business. And that's in relationships.

I believe that this love should not be left as a feeling. One might act on it, but leaves it still as a feeling. I think that at this point, one must not only act, but make a choice. A firm resolve to love. That choice will be the one that keeps you together forever. The feeling may change and develop, but it will go through hard times where it will be doubted. At times, it might even disappear, but, the decision will always be there and, in time, the feeling will come back, more mature and developed. Other 'loves' might come along the way, but the choice will make you stay. But, like any rock, a choice can be broken. There are definitely some times that the feeling was really not love, but this is one of the hardest decisions to make. A decision that requires many days of thinking, making sure of things...

Now you may ask, what if this feeling is one way? First you have to find out. Try first before anything else. Now if it really is just one way, then either wait for her to change, or go looking somewhere else. It might hurt a lot, but it's really of no use to keep on trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way, or never will. Just move on. A love will come to you some time who will love you back. that's the time you both can make the choice.

[Grabe ramblings talaga 'to.. Dami akong incoherent thoughts dyan.. ah well...]

A bit late...

Last Friday was the Mid-Autumn Fiesta, and guess what? I won the Tsong Wan in our table! Yey! A new beanbag for me! Besides that, I had fun hosting with Daph (you were great Daph!). We started of a bit slow at first, but after a while, we got the hang of it. It's a shame we didn't know that the placemats had the stories about the Moon, ah well. At first, me, Gen and Jic would've been riding in Mic's car, but as fate would have it, all three of us won a bean bag. So cramming all three bean bags and 6 people in a car would definitely not have been a good idea! It's a good thing Daph volunteered to let some of us ride in her car, since we would be eating out first before going home. We were supposed to eat at Teriyaki Boy, but it was full, so we ate at Enraku instead. Daph and Gen left earlier, while me, Mic, Borgy, Jic and Elaine finished dinner. The CR was, for some reason, locked aso we went to my house to use the CR there (well, here.. hehe). They left after that because they needed to bring borgy home.

Last Sunday was the AdMU-DLSU Semi-finals match. And, for the first time in my college life, I went to Araneta Coliseum and watched the game live! It was such an experience! We lost though, but that's alright with me. We had a great season, although the latter part of it was disappointing. BUT, the important thing is, I FINALLY GOT TO WATCH A GAME! (I'm such a loser...).

Yesterday, I was supposed to play badminton with my mom. She woke me up at 7, to tell me to get ready. I got up after a while, and changed into my sporty clothes. But, apparently, my mom peeked in and thought I was still asleep, so when the painter called (I had no idea we were having the house repainted, well not all of it,but still..) she told him that he could come that morning, so badminton was cancelled. Fortunately, the night before, I had hitched with Mic and he mentioned that Joyce, Russ and he would be playing badminton at Moro. So, taking a chance, I texted Birdie that I would hitch with him, and Mic/Joyce to ask if I could join them. Everything fell into place, and so I went off to Ateneo to play badminton (yey!). unfortunately, Kat wasn't able to receive my text that I wasn't hitching with her anymore. She got pissed at me, and her shobe was almost late for class. I wasn't all that in the mood anymore, but I still played, and we (me and Russ) won quite a number of times. We also saw Nati at Moro that time. She was jogging in the oval above us. She didn't respond at first, I guess because she was focused on jogging, but after numerous shouts, she finally looked and saw us. I'm not sure if she recognized us though. Anyway, I cut my math class because it was a bit too late already (we played from 10 to 12, my class is at 12). We got back to the campus, and felt really tired, I could hardly get up, probably also because I didn't sleep all that much.

Now, it's a Wednesday night, and I'm bloggin again. I have a paper (on A Wrinkle In Time) for philo due next Friday, a reporting in theo on Monday, programming due on Tuesday, stuff to research for this Friday, an LT in Math next next week, two orals (Philo and Theo) coming up and then there's finals. Basically, that's the rest of my sem. Good luck to all Ateneans in the next 4 weeks, until we reach sem-break! We can do this! With God, nothing is impossible!!


Win or lose, this is the school we choose!
This is the place where we belong!
-from the Song of Mary (is that the title? I'm not so sure...)

Go Ateneo!!!

Guess what? I'm FINALLY going to be able to watch a UAAP game live! An Ateneo - La Salle game to boot! Things aren't in our favor, but I don't really care! I'm fulfilling one of the things that I told myself I had to do this year, since it's my last. YEHEY!!!

ONE BIG FIGHT!!

AFICS Party and still some...

The AFICS Party last night went quite well, as a party anyway. We started late, but that was just fine, since the venue's schedule was fleixble. At first no one was talking (except within the schools), but at least people started to talk to other schools after a while (after the human bingo I think hehe). That wasn't many though. The presentations part was not so good, but considering the lack of projector, it wasn't that bad. I hope the people were listening, but that's okay, there'll be other events. I got to see Ange (Atienza) as well. It's been quite a while since I saw her, but she's always with my cousin, so I think she doesn't miss me that much. :D waaahahahah! I got home late from the party because we fixed the place up and the financial account of AFICS, so I wasn't able to go to the Shindig. Besides, my mom sort of didn't want me to go. I hope everyone had fun there.

Sipnayan - HS Division was held that morning. I volunteered to help, I didn't do much though. I was able to get food from themAND when I was staying at the MTD, they gave me food too (Sorry Arlene and Joni! But Shar gave me some...). Xavier didn't win, but that's okay. I had a realization when I talked with their 'coach'. I'm getting old. Most, if not all, of the Math teachers I knew have retired or moved to the states. I was actually hoping that the coach would be someone I knew, but that didn't happen. Gosh, I'm graduating in several months, and I still don't know what I want to do. (Teaching IS an option.. although I don't plan to do it for long)

And before I forget, one of the best things that happened in the past few days - EBling bonding. They started off watching Birdie's play. I wasn't able to go because my friend was treating us out for her birthday (Mang Jimmy's!). After that, they went to Shakey's, and I caught up with them there. They ate (I drank) and we talked for a while. All of us except Cha and Shar were there. And, because we love Cha so much, we went to her house at around 1130pm just so that we could talk and catch up. When we were waiting outside her house, Linds came with her 'boy' and ushered us into the house (we were waiting for Di and Cla so they would be the ones to ring the doorbell and all). Anyway, we went in and talked. We talked about a lot of things, and there was a lot of story-telling. It was fun hearing all their stories - gosh I miss them so much! We ended at around 230am(3 hours of kwentuhan!!). I hitched with Birdie, who lost the claim card that was given to him at the gate. Oh well, that's a goodbye to his ID! Well, for the meantime anyway. I hope that he finds the card, or is able to pay for a replacement. The EBlings might have an outing right after our finals. YEY! That'll be so fun!

It's Sunday again today. An old week is ending, and a new one is starting.. Tomorrow I have orals in Hokkien and on Thursday, Math LT. Besides that, I have to research for Thesis/Project and History paper and I also have to do my part in the Theo paper. 5 weeks til sembreak. I hope I can survive...

...

I'm an asshole. Always was, and I haven't changed one bit. I doubt I'll ever change. Damn.

Sa wakas...

Sa wakas, ayos na rin internet namin! And me and my partner haven't practiced for our Hokkien orals on Monday.. (Thanks to Mic for the help!) I hope we do well. Now off to sleep, and badminton in the morning!

[Sorry Daph... I really wanted to help.. :( ]

Late... Ramblings.. I haven't done this in a while...

I was supposed to update this yesterday, but I was sort of swamped with work. Hokkien scripts (yes, more than one), History reflection paper and research on two topics. Fun ain't it? And I wasn't able to finish them all.

At any rate, yesterday was a sort of thought provoking and guilty feeling sort of day. In Theo, we were discussing unjust social structures and the like. Well, sin was the topic, and at that point we were discussing social sin. Sir was talking about corrupt priests and lay ministers, who were taking money from donations and using their status to not pay taxes (or get a big tax exemption). He also mentioned that our tax money really doesn't go to the right places. And Marv also mentioned that only about 30% of the population pay taxes (the rest are under the poverty line). There was also a discussion of why poor people stay poor. And why a PRO-poor nation would stay that poor (namely the Philippines). And sir also mentioned about the national budget, how most of it is spent paying for the interest of the national debt. You know what? The Philippines need a whole lot of change to become any better. No wonder so many people want to migrate abroad. At the present the Philippines is, in my opinion, crumbling. Just barely clinging on for dear life. Some people may not think so, but that is so true. Where do you think the problem is rooted? The structure? Well I think the structure is flawed, but not completely. I think the main problem lies in the people. All of us. Everywhere you look there's a corrupt politician, a policeman looking for bribes, or even a government vehicle counterflowing. What is everyone's problem? Even just cheating as students... If only we could set our priotities straight! If only all of the people would work for a better nation. Forget for a while themselves. People could live simply and sufficiently without having loads of money. But with all these things permeating every aspect of our life, how do we expect to change without any action on our own part? Change comes slowly. One person could do a lot, even if it doesn't feel like it. One person could influence one or two other people, and that would be a start. But these other people may not have the same passion as the first, and they may falter and fail. But if they do succeed, and those after them do, then that would be a great achievement. I thought that someone should make a group of these people. Training people to be honest and hardworking. Raising them up to be model citizens, without any skeletons in the closet. People working together to change, not the world, but the people in it. One by one, people would realize the good. And, after many, many years, the Philippines would be able to really stand on its own. The national debt and many other problems long past, not forgotten, but kept in history as a reminder. A reminder to be honest, true and hardworking. But it still remains a thought. I don't know if this will ever happen, in this way, or another, but I hope and pray to God that everyone in the Philippines would wake up and do something together. Maybe that's what we really need: A truly united nation. We have to work together to bring our nation from ruin to glory.

It's really sad. As much as it seems like a good idea to migrate, I won't. I'll just do my best to raise children that would continue this thought of mine. Not surprisingly, after theo class, all this was set aside from my mind. I actually didn't think I'd remember well enough to write much today, but I did. Maybe that's telling me something... anyway, my day didn't end there. Englicom people came to school for the first part of the swap. I couldn't help feeling proud because this was my project years back, the first time I was a Celadon manager. It was also the first year that the Student Exchange (I called it swap a couple of lines back) happened. It hasn't change much over the years, but it's getting better. I really wanted them to sit-in in classes when I was a co-head (with Ollie), but I was short on time. This year they tried, and they already had 2 classes, but I think it was forgotten. At any rate, there were games, a tour and the culminating activity. I wasn't able to eat donuts during the culminating activity, oh well. Anyway, I wasn't able to attend all of it. I came late because I was supposed to talk with a Chem teacher, and I left to look for Tin, but I ended up talking with Cess and Chelle about love, relationships and people (well more of person, but it could be generalized).

I realized a couple of things during our talk. I realized that people are not perfect. And you could be a friend to a real jerk. I realized how mean I was for closing myself from people that I thought were like that. Well, I was always the peacekeeper, the one who would tolerate people like that, but I would still complain to my other friends. Basically I was plastic to a lot of people. I plan to change that and try to be more of a friend. I've already realized that I've lost a lot of sensitivity, and this, I think, was one of the reasons, and maybe even an effect. I also realized that there are a lot of things that I can, but don't do. Work hard is one of those things, but not what I dwelt over the most. The time I'm giving to Kat is not enough. I love her so much, but why don't I do more? Her birthday is coming up and I can't even think of a thing to do! This has happened so many times already... A friend of mine mentioned that this guy, the girls ex-boyfriend, would be playing basketball instead of spending more time with her. To think they barely got to see each other. That friend also told of her friends' boyfriends that would come to see them at every chance they got. Right after school, inbetween breaks, even if they lived or studied far away. I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to them, but I can't help but think that I should be doing more.

Life's really confusing isn't it?

Happily Procrastinating!

It's so fun to play badminton! I think I'm getting addicted to it. I play every Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays (well, I hope that schedule holds up). I'm not getting any better, but at least I'm finally exercising!

Guess what? I haven't used the computer since Thursday! Yes, Thursday! I came home late Friday night, took a bath and slept because I had to be at Ateneo by 830 (I was a couple of minutes late, but that's ok) for AMS' Sipnayan (Math competition). It was the grade school division. Xavier got into the semis, but unfortunately they weren't able to get to the finals. St. Jude rocked the place! They didn't get 1st place, but all three of their teams reached the finals, with two of them garnering 2nd and 3rd place! To think they never used to join competitions (well, not when I waws competing). A couple of St. Jude alternates approached me and my friend to solve a problem. Prove the the equation had all real valued solutions and draw the graph. That's a Ma18 lesson! To think they were only Grade 6.... Next week is the High School division, I think I'll volunteer again, just for the morning, since I've got stuff to do in the afternoon.

Hmm.. you know what? I should be doing the scripts for Hokkien right now. I'm such a procrastinator... Better get to it, or my partner will kill me...

Another Day, Another Disappointment

Well not just one disappointment. Ateneo lost again today in UAAP Men's Basketball. We lost to UP this time, 74-68. And I thought that this would be an easy win, I guess I was wrong. Anyway, we have two more games: NU on Sunday and FEU next saturday. We CANNOT lose to FEU! We have to keep the top position in the final four! I do hope God will bless us :D

I got to school late today and cut Math class. Well, at least I was able to study for my History test. But, about that History test, can I just say that History sucks? Well at least that class. I already failed the first test (69/100), and it looks as if I'm going to fail this one too. I really have to study for the finals really well.

Now besides that, I've realized something. I'm lost. Yes, very much lost. My studies are slipping (well they have been for quite a while now), I feel that I've become so much, much less sensitive (insensitive even), and generally I have nothing. Can you imagine just staring in front of the computer everday, doing absolutely nothing? What's the point? Fine I check mail, do some stuff, but after I'm just staring at this square box with a little moving pointer. Besides talking to my friends sometimes, I do absolutely nothing. When I'm in school, I'm either asleep in class, or just playing bridge. Now what the hell am I going to do when I graduate? I don't know what kind of jobs I can take, I don't know what to do, heck, I don't even know if I will graduate! I have no direction. I need to find one. I need to shape up as well in school. I won't be going anywhere if I don't graduate.